theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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