The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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