I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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