I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
