I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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