i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
