I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
you inspire me to be a worse person
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
