My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Randomize
