i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
