forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
