I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
