I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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