Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
