Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
