foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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