He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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