I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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