Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
