last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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