I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
