take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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