She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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