I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
