i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
