So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
