I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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