I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
