i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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