Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It's official drugs can't kill me
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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