Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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