Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
