All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
