sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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