I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
mondays should just be called national damage control day
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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