what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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