I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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