i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
