His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
