Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
