please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
