I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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