At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
