im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
