Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
