You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
