I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Randomize
