Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
