either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
