party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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