I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize