Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
