did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
