The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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