Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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