I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
