Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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