as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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